


Let Us Hold Each Other

by gypsophilasscribbles



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Domestic, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 13:46:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6155584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gypsophilasscribbles/pseuds/gypsophilasscribbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A child was something Magnus had never factored into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Us Hold Each Other

**Author's Note:**

> Max is Maxi because I always pictured Malec having a little girl.
> 
> Title is from the James Bay song 'Hold Back the River'

A child was something Magnus had never factored into his life. He’d been around children, he had friends who had children. Some of his clients were children. But he’d never, in all his four hundred years, thought that he would have a child.

Clary was the closest thing he’d ever had to having a child. She was the only creature he had seen regularly enough to watch grow, and change. It had always caused a peculiar pang in his chest, to see her every 2 years a little taller, a little slimmer; it reminded him that time was in fact passing – a revelation that both hurt and grounded him.

But now, with the arrival of Maxi everything had changed.

It’s 2 am and for the first time in a _long_ time, Magnus has no idea what to do. Maxi’s high-pitched wails drown out any fragments of thoughts in his head. He puts Maxi back down in the crib, since holding her appeared to make absolutely no difference, and rubs his fingers against his temples, trying to drown out her crying for _just one second_ whilst he thinks.

“Hush now, come on Maxi.” He pleads. He picks her back up, nestling her head in the crook of his arm, a heavy feeling of guilt settling in his chest at the sight of her face; dainty features scrunched up, and her blue skin tinged purple with distress.

He tries rocking her gently, tries humming a tune (out of key but that’s because he can barely hear himself of Maxi’s crying), even tries distracting her with some glittery magic. If anything she just cries louder. Walking over to the window, Magnus stares blankly out at the city; The High Warlock of Brooklyn – if only they could see him now.

The only other baby Magnus had come into contact with was Alec himself; and at the time he had loathed the miniature shadow hunter drooling all over his Persian rug. He hadn’t a paternal bone in his body and Maxi seemed to sense it.

Her wails increase tenfold, finally reaching a point where it’s painful for him to hold her. His ears ring as he places her back into the crib, sinking to his knees beside it. “Please Maxi,” he can’t believe he’s actually begging, “Please, stop crying.”

“Hey,” a gravelly voice says quietly from the doorway. Magnus turns to see Alec leaning against the door frame. He makes a helpless gesture at Maxi, who’s still screeching. Alec walks over, cups Magnus’ face for a moment, thumb brush his tense jaw muscles. “Go back to bed, I’ve got this.”

Magnus hates to admit defeat, but he’s tired and embarrassed and frustrated; not at Maxi, just – just at himself.

No more than a minute after Magnus has departed from the bedroom, the crying quietens down. And a few moments later it stops all together.

Magnus almost laughs as he sits down heavily onto the bed. His Alec, his beloved _Alexander_. Of course, he was a natural with children.

 

 

***

 

 

The floorboards creak as Alec makes his way back to the bedroom, his bare feet scuffing against the lofts wooden floor. He enters the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him, so not the disturb Maxi or Magnus.

But Magnus isn’t sleeping like Alec thought he would be. His husband is sitting with his back to Alec, shoulders tense, staring listlessly out at the illuminated city below them.

“I know she’s a handful now,” Alec says carefully, wandering closer. “But it will get easier.”

Magnus doesn’t reply, and Alec feels the coils of worry tighten in his gut. He wanders round the corner of the bed and sits beside his husband.

Magnus stares resolutely ahead, eyes shiny with moisture, his trembling lip trapped between his teeth. A small whimper catches in the back of his throat as Alec wraps an arm around his narrow shoulders; that’s all it takes the break the fragile barrier Magnus had begun building.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Despite Alec’s soothing tone, Magnus hunches over, burying his face in his hands; he feels flushed with shame and overwhelming guilt.

Alec rubs his back comfortingly, coaxing Magnus gently until the he relents and allows Alec to pull him closer, right against his side, and tuck his head against Alec’s neck.

Alec can feel the moisture against his shoulder as Magnus sobs in earnest. It had been a long time since Alec has seen Magnus cry. In the same way that he had calmed Maxi, Alec holds Magnus, running his fingers through his dark locks and murmuring softly.

Eventually Magnus calms, sobs receding to the occasional hiccup. Alec doesn’t really want to let him go yet, and Magnus seems content enough nestled against him.

Resting his head against Magnus’ and maintaining rubbing his hand soothingly up his arm Alec asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Using his thumb he tilts Magnus head up, so he can see his tear-stained face. Magnus doesn’t resist but he won’t look Alec in the eye either. Alec brushes away the moisture still clinging to Magnus’ eye lashes. Sensing his hesitation Alec cups his jaw and presses a kiss to his lips.

He can feel the tension bleeding out of his husband’s shoulders as Alec peppers his face with kisses, and then finally a small smile tugs at his lips.

The two of them re-locate on the bed, sitting up against the headboard so Alec can coddle Magnus against him more comfortably.

“So.” Alec prompts.

“I’m useless.” Magnus mumbles. “I don’t know what to do with her, I don’t know how to make her happy.”

“We’ve only had her a few weeks, babe,” Alec says. “It will come with time.”

Magnus sighed. “I’m not like you Alec. I – I don’t know anything about babies.” He begins tugging at the loose stitched on Alec’s sweatpants.

Alec intercepts and takes Magnus’ hand in his own. “What are you not telling me?”

“I – I don’t know if I can do this.” His voice is so quiet Alec has to strain to hear him. “I used to hate children; annoying little creatures. But she’s so beautiful. I don’t know if I can be responsible for that tiny little life.”

“Magnus, listen to me – ” Alec tries, but its evidently not the right thing to say as Magnus practically launches himself off the bed.

“No, you’re not listening to _me_ Alec. I don’t know what I’m doing! I forgot to heat up Maxi’s milk yesterday, I nearly fed it to her cold! She hates it when I hold her, cries whenever I’m near her. And when she does cry, I can’t make her _stop_. If anything I make it worse; it’s like she can sense the uselessness inside me.” He yells.

For a moment the only sound is Magnus’ laboured breath; his chest heaving as he swallows, like he’s trying to choke back all the anxiety he’s been enduring. Alec feels a twinge of guilt in his gut; how long had his husband been holding this inside for? How had Alec missed it?

As he opened his mouth to speak, the sound of Maxi’s wails interrupts him.

Magnus’ looks utterly ashen as he realises he’s woken her. Before Alec even has time to comprehend the situation Magnus’ is fleeing the room.

“Magnus, Magnus _wait_ – ” Alec calls.

The front door slams with definitive finality.

 

 

***

 

 

Alec is restless for the whole morning. There is no word from Magnus, and when there’s still no sign of him by eleven he considers calling the others to go out and search for him.

That’s when he hears the soft _click_ of the front door unlocking.

Magnus appears, looking utterly wretched as he shuffles inside. The dark bags under his eyes are even more prominent in the harsh light.

He keeps his head bowed, like he’s expecting shouting but instead Alec breathes out a sigh of relief and envelopes Magnus in his arms.

Soaking up Alec’s warmth, Magnus practically deflates against him. “I’m sorry.” He croaks.

Alec pulls away so he can look Magnus in the eye as he speaks. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise how much you were struggling. But Magnus, you’re not a failure, you’re just out of practise. We can work on it, ok? Me, you and Maxi.”

Magnus hesitates, but nods, then nods again more firmly. “Okay, yes,” he leans up to softly kiss Alec. “I love you. And Maxi.”

“I know. We love you too.” Alec replies, chuckling softly.

“Don’t you think the slamming door was little dramatic?”

Magnus huffs out a laugh. “Maybe a little.” He replies, gazing up at Alec, their lips brushing as he speaks.

Alec leans down and captures his lips; kissing Magnus softly, _tenderly_ , solidifying his promise that they’d get through this together. Just like they always did.


End file.
